So You Want to Know about the Time I Got By By the Skin of My Teeth

(Listen to an audio version)

As if it’s the only time.  Right.  Well, it was – the time I’m going to tell you about was, that is – back quite some long time ago, when I was still wearing those big black boots.  You probly don’t remember when they was in style, as you is still rather young.  But they was quite high, above the knees, and all leather, so they were.  Quite very sexy, especially when worn as they often were without nothing else.  Not that I’m saying as I ever did that myself.  Nor that I’m saying as I didn’t.  I’m just not saying either way, and you can just think what you will, as you will anyhow, being a young person and rather headstrong. 

So, as I was saying.  It was rather some long time ago, and I had this idea – notwit’standing that it was not such a good idea, as I can see now – that it would be rather funny to steal a police officer’s hat.  I had the very officer in mind, too, and I don’t mind saying that I had my reasons for it.  Oh, yes, indeed, I had my reasons for it.  A very fine officer, too, what was often on duty near where I was living at the time.  I used to keep an eye on that officer from my bedroom window many days, and especially when I was getting on those boots what I mentioned earlier.

Yes, well.

So one day, or one evening, as it was, I had this idea, and I had a goodly laugh thinking about it and I therefore made up my mind to do it.  I dressed myself up all in black, including those black boots what I told you of, and I went out onto the very darkening street to see where I could find this officer.  As it happened, she was just patrolling the next block so I found her quite easy.  The tricky thing was sneaking up on her without her noticing, as stealing the hat would be very much the easier if she wasn’t keeping that eye on me already, if you know how I mean.  So I observed that she was moving in a casual sort of way down the block southerly, not so very fast, but steady, good and steady; and I decided that I would just hide myself behind the big black street bin that stood between Oldham’s and Rootersham’s, and pop out behind her when she went past.  It seemed a good plan.  How was I to know?

I easily gained my position, by moving briskly roundabout the house of Rootersham and through the garden patch, carefully avoiding the puddles and piles of animal deposits, on account of the boots, which I did not want to stink.  And I hid myself behind the big black bin, crouching down, waiting, waiting.

I heard her footsteps approaching, the tapping and clapping of her own boots on the pavement; and I admit I was very looking forward to doing the deed.  I poised myself at the corner of the big black bin, and I breathed in little gasps with the very pleasure of the thing.  Soon enough, though, soon enough the steps came round the corner, and I, all poised, all ready, leapt out and dashed toward the figure coming around the corner, with the desired pointy hat now clearly in view.  I thought how well it would look with the black boots. 

And then boom!  Bang!  Blam!  I found myself sprawled on top of some goodness-awful bloke in denim, of all things, squirming and grunting.  I punched the measly fellow in disgust.  And then I felt a hand on the back of my collar, pulling me up quite very easy.

“Thanks, chum.”  She had her very large, blue-barrelled firearm drawn and pointed, two hands and all, very so at the bloke, eyeing him right powerfully.  “Been trying to catch this one for some time.  Often making problems, around the turn of the night, as it is even now.”

I looked longingly at the hat – so close, but now clearly vastly untouchable.  “It was quite nothing,” I said.  “Then, can I have your hat?”

You’re right – I didn’t really truly ask that question.